Like Pluto, My Heart

all my love all i hadinside.  how could the love that brought such pleasure bring such mysery...is funny how you said im cold but you just walked out from forever to finish i just cant grasp it to understand.  one moment im on top of the world next, the worlds on top of me.  i dont know how to bounce back from that...my heart never reached cold status...

your neighbor

today hurt just as the rest. no matter how hrd i tried i wanted to reach out and give you rest. you hurt me time again but it was almost imposible to take in. at some point our eyes met and i was reminded of all the love we once shared as you attempted to explain where it was and why its not there. only lovecan break me down but only heart ache has kept me there.  i donnt know how to move if i have to tiptoe around all this heartache.  i didnt know it would be us now. i couldnt have imagined.  lord knows i couldnt have.  if i was your neighbor, maybe id peeek out the window just to seeyou smil. or even walk my dog for a chance we catch eyes.  all in all i just want to heel.  i think im good and stumble again.  my counselor didnt help.  my ache is real. as all i felt for you.

Self Distruction

another day, another tear. i guess i still havent figured out how to controll all these feelings that are inside myself. i found myself once again crying, once again unsure of my self, once again not knowing exactly what it is that i am doing or where this is leading. i realized i created the illusion that is what i see. i wanted, i created the family. i watch those around marvel in awe when inside i am screaming climbing the walls. i hurt and no one really sees my pain. i am sad and call out to learn that no one is listening for my name. i was in love so much in love with you. you convinced me that love was all that i needed to do. when the clouds arose and the desicion was made you left me once again in tears in pain in dismay. i just dont understand. i trust in the Lord, I know he knows my heart but it doesnt really help me try to figure out where the next step where i start... i want to make this work and i want to be free but in the end all i want is love pure love just crying out for me.  i want it all they would say and why cant i have it? why cant one just wake up searching seeking to hold and kiss and touch me?  i wish i had the words to say exactly what would let you feel truely what my heart says but no one understands me...no one not that i can see.

i want you to love me for who i am - tender kisses gone tomorrow gone today
sigh  i write but no one really reads no one sees all the pain sweat and tears that go inside of me
tonight was another one of those self distruction nights where nothing i said made any since at alll nothing i did was as good as what i said and alll in all it was just a whole lot of pains balled up in one

sad that the world wide web is the only listener for my hearts cries ... i realize that one will only do what the other allows

Now Let Me Fly

To a place destined fr me. It was built with my smile, style laugh to satisfy my curiosity.  My heart sores with the guilts of my past my cup runnith over with emptyness that last.  I'm tryna work it out inside tryna figure out what holds me in place too.  Not money, not cars, more things unsure about but will be revealed in time.

If I could fly d go to this place. Laughing at myself for wishing this way.  I would like love to grab a hold of me wishing issurely what I dnt need to be.  Lord, I love you.  I know you love me too.  I thank you for my wings that you lend me to get through and through.

Dreams

Lst night. I dreamed we were at a homegoing service for someone named Kyle.  We all were a part of it. All crowds kids families many knew him. The services as at a location in san diego built on the water.  I remember somehow seeng the leves would fail and everyone would perish. I got out. You had been next to me the whole service so naturally I tried to save you too for the sake of our child. You turned back for the life of your spouse. We got out to the lost of life of all those we knw at that service. The water took the lives of many and tookus on quite that ride but through it all, someone else was there, as my guide, you by spouses side.  I woke up realising reality has begun to set in as suttle as the sunset or rise again.  This process isn't easy for me I see that with the weight of every step.  However, I think God wanted me to see He is carrying me even when I'm feeling abandoned and in continue to welp

Hearts Broken

No matter how many ways I slice it, my heart is in pieces of broken. Every action cuts deep.  Its a struggle not to wake up weeping. My eyes are gllazed over. I'm afraid to open them clearly to another t see how truly in I was.  I went against all critics, warnings just wanted us to be us. I could have went without sin n lust. No not dwelling on what was jus admittingto the winds what I showed you my newly broken heart that was whole in us

Love is All That Matters

i never asked santa for a car a bike or even a million dollars. i asked him for food, shelter and love. i never expected my life to be perfect or even to live the perfect life. instead i just wanted to live in peace with love neverending. the wake up and kiss me love. the sweet dreams baby thank God for you type of love. i cant for the life understand why what i want most im not having. maybe its the weddings, maybe even the funerals maybe its the husbands or even the lies deciet a lifetime of games im not sure but either way almost doesnt count. im tired of all the tears i cry at night. im sad by the pain that keeps me up at night. i miss the laughter the fun and the love i miss feeling like i was enough. my feels are real no one even believes they exist. my love is effortless. ive been lied to cheated on and disreprected. ive been misunderstood left and neglected. ive opend up my soul cried in arms so tight only to awake and realize im alone again the next night. i dont feel appreciated understood or in loved. i feel all the other stuff that you should never in this world. the pain is the real the heartbreak so clear in the end its just me. i dont have the dance moves i cant even clean constantly all i have is everything that makes me, me. i thought you understood i knew our struggles had finally collasped. only to awake to find out you had gone and left. the tears are coming now stronger than before as hope for forever escapes out the door. somebody asked me- what happens now? i cant even imagine from all the sorrow i cant even picture a how. i just dont know what else to say i cant even imagine which a what a way. love is all that matters someone said to me but they didnt understand all the misery. i love im still loving but you are happy living it up. what ever happened to the promises? what happened to forever ? how could you tell me it would be us until we never? never let another in never share our soul always ready to find ways to keep our love controlled. my pain is real my heart is broken. you have gone and left it open. if love is all that matters what the hell do i do now? ive loved uncontrollably to no avail

fresh start

Today, your world begins. You take on a journey of life I know nothing about.  My heart I didn't know could break again but it has. Loving one and truly giving all you know how to give is what I did. I was hesitant to do it and ibegged you not to tell me I'm the one you want forever if you wasn't sure.  And u said, you are sure.  But I can't. Its over.  I can't imagine what is ahead.  All the lives are forever intwined.  I,feel like I'm the only one in pain I'm the only one whose heart has stopped beating. I feel like I'm suffocating like we use to feel when we were apart...like we were suffocating.  Now its the moment where air is what I will gasp for.  What can I do? How can I be distracted? If I sleep even my dreams are overtorne by thoughts of you.  Lord I hope I get thru this day and every day after.  Its going to take Him alone to help me breath

Cant Call it Sad

because it is life. i am listening to every song you sang every word you said every place you layed every promise you made and i am wishing i could cry. im all cried out but feel like more are coming on the inside. it hurts me that i dont know what to do as i watch this life i nevcer thought id live happen around me. working it out building together alll those things are not in vie wnow. i asked God to guide me to help me to show me how and i am seeing all but what i thought right now. im not even feeling pride i only feel pain as i try and try to see this finding a happily ever after again but no i dont see that its important. it makes me sad. i guess this is where the bible tells me it told me so as doing things outside of what the commandments are start to surface with repucasions pain. i dont blame the spoudse for th pain for they are just living out the pain. i wish it would rain. that would make since to me. i could sit outside in the rain and let the water wash over me. sigh...nothing is helping. the pain is internal. the fears are real. the hurt is enormoaous and im alone trying to sigh but only pain comes out

Introduce You

You asked me to introduce you to your seed and forgive all the tears youve made me cry. you asked me to forget the hurt the pain i feel inside. you are taking on a new journy asking God to step in your life and you are even having the idalsity to take on a wife. yes a year ago you promised me the world even less than that you have promised id always have your heart but today tonight this evening moment you tell me it was a mistaken idenity from the start. im trying to understand where i went wrong when i trusted what you said im telling myself that life will go on even through all this pain. the tears in my eyes arent going anywhere. the pain i feel is the same. im tryin to stop crying im trusting the Father will keep me sane. How do I live with all this hurt? How do I even let it go? What do I tell our child that father is here but will eventually go? I dont understand Lord I only see blurry tears through my eyes I dont know what to do Lord when inside I want to cry. It hurts father to trust it hurts to give your all but Lord I know you can hear me I know you hear my calls Help me Lord Help Me Father this pain is all too great. I thought Lord that we were building a future to make our futures Great. But we arent.

The Pain Unspoken

I caught my reflection today, as i was laughing at a joke someone was telling.  Looked very happy, except for my eyes.  My eyes, are sad.

But. No one could tell.  Im surrounded by people who dont know me.  Nor care to get too.  They like what they saw...totally blind to what we see

Maybe One Day Me

The moment right, the smile for me. The laughter is tight the laugh for me. The arms are stretched out the anticipation great all he want is my embrace.  Maybe one day me.  He looks for me. He isnt seeng al around him wondering eyes not my concern either. Instead, just looking for me. My smile.  Yes the world wont change much nor will the extra stuff stop none of that matter though because im all he wont.  One day Me. I wil be more than enough him thanking God for loving him so much to share, me.  One day me.

Not today that i see. Looking around dissapointment in the trees the wnd blowsthe storms come all around me. Today, not me. He lying down with the Breeze.

Dear Lord,

Its me. Over here. Praying again for strength. I really thought it would be us making forever happen. I hate that i care even when its me carng alone. I am sad crying silently because it is right around the corner without me

Have to ask

Whats the point of being te living proof if you are alone in your existence?!

Trapped inside Me

O feel its m nno one ever sees lots of tears inside my soul. I feel im lost pleading to be found by the one who would love to recue my cry for the hold im seeking a sinceof reliwf not like the pipe fix from a cocain addit but the clear sync of estasy you get fromthe moment from which the holy spirit elates you. Im overwhelmed by it all as itry to make since of the senseless.  Its not what has been or what is happening now that has me in a donward bound.  Its whats ahead that makes me side frown. Oh how it feels to be trapped in my soul crying for peace hoping for control wishing i was seen as i am crying inside myself looking wondering what now?