Self Distruction

another day, another tear. i guess i still havent figured out how to controll all these feelings that are inside myself. i found myself once again crying, once again unsure of my self, once again not knowing exactly what it is that i am doing or where this is leading. i realized i created the illusion that is what i see. i wanted, i created the family. i watch those around marvel in awe when inside i am screaming climbing the walls. i hurt and no one really sees my pain. i am sad and call out to learn that no one is listening for my name. i was in love so much in love with you. you convinced me that love was all that i needed to do. when the clouds arose and the desicion was made you left me once again in tears in pain in dismay. i just dont understand. i trust in the Lord, I know he knows my heart but it doesnt really help me try to figure out where the next step where i start... i want to make this work and i want to be free but in the end all i want is love pure love just crying out for me.  i want it all they would say and why cant i have it? why cant one just wake up searching seeking to hold and kiss and touch me?  i wish i had the words to say exactly what would let you feel truely what my heart says but no one understands me...no one not that i can see.

i want you to love me for who i am - tender kisses gone tomorrow gone today
sigh  i write but no one really reads no one sees all the pain sweat and tears that go inside of me
tonight was another one of those self distruction nights where nothing i said made any since at alll nothing i did was as good as what i said and alll in all it was just a whole lot of pains balled up in one

sad that the world wide web is the only listener for my hearts cries ... i realize that one will only do what the other allows