The Morning After

I woke up this morning having sad dreams. They all boil down to whats next for me? I can walkleft stir right and laugh out loud. I can stand up look back head in the clouds. When its all said and all done, it does matter. Im beside myself in sorrow.  I dont have anyone other than jesus to comfort me. Its almost a complete replica of my time with he.  I qustion it all im searching for fulfilling answers even. But nothing and i meaan nothing is preparing me for the much needed healing.

Sigh

the point of it all

I love you.
Man cant express how much this holiday hurts. All the joy n all the laughter. Oh m all the pain!i cant believe all the pain. Its official he is getting married. Im not surprised and i knew the moment it was so because my entie body shut down ad i didnt know why. I wonder why? Oh well. Time hals all wounds they say. But the scars of my wounds are plenty ugly. Im not sure about the fuure what this brings or how much this will hurt. I look around me and cant believe how it feels everyone changing lived growing but mine is in a rolloercoaster tormil. You said you loved me andi was the one or you. Yu said you would always b ehere for me and that would always sand true. Now, not so. So not so. Im hurting because you lied. Lt me think things all wrong. Maybe love wasnt enough maybe i had it al lwrong. These words will never reach your eyes nor my heart get pass the current pain im just trying to hold on to the strength that shadows my name.
I pray Lord heal me. I pray He helps me through...right now my Father i need you

Searching For Perfection

i am overwhelmed. everyone is counting on me no one is supporting me. i cant even find a shoulder to lye on while i recooperate. my body is crying trying to figure out where to go. i am so sad and so lonely. i wish there was a better way to exist in this cold world. im watching those i love be in love. im watching those i love try to find peace. im watching new life come and old lives be buried. i dont know where God has me or how long he sees a need for me. i love a lot. i want a lot of love. Jesus said he would love me and he does. I dont know if he put someone on this earch who wants to love me forever and who will ask to do so.

i do hope i have the clear mind to realize that someone when they step to me...if that ever happens. in the mean time, i am overwhelmed this hurts trying to achieve goals that seem so far away. im so close to my dreams they have to come true...right?

Im Upset

I cant get through the pain I am feeling. I mean, why in the world does this keep happening? Damn it! I am smart, yes I know. But I dont want to be the smartest person in the world alone. They say something about deserve. I know by Christ as my Lord I dont deserve a thang but it still makes me so sad. I want to be smiles and happy here too. I know also you cant compare your lives per everyone elses compared lives but gosh it seems so sad.

I am going to pick my chin up, dust off my butt and start doing it on my own. No really. I have given so much power to my "need" for him. He actually suggested we keep it "professional" as if this is a business transaction or something. then he said im insulting him when he hurt and insulted me.Again.... glad that no one reads this anyway

Patronized

He said stop patronizing me. All I did was try to have a conversation with him, expressing what was bothing me, using I statements. I thought by using I statements, I was placing the blame stating what made me upset. I guess that doesnt work in a non work environment. I am relived and sad at the same time. Sad because another bad creation has been created with nothing but anger and pain on the flip side. I am disspointed in how things are going and the way things have to be. First my Musiq now now well now it is as it was, just me and the kiddos and God to guide me. I will probably cry myself to sleep. But i am okay with that because I know that the holy spirit is my comforter.

so much for dvd date night

im irriated. if you love me then let me go if you anit gone do what it takes to make me smile. you are so quick to tell me what i could be doiong or where i could be making it better but you dont do that same assessment on your damn self. i do know how intelligent i am. i do know i can take care of me. i do know that simple things are so much easier and i do know that yep hell yes i could do this without you but key word- could. why cant you see that i dont want to do anything without you? that we been too strong for too long and i dont want to be without you? why cant you see that i can buy me the silly stuff i can pay the bills and get rid of the other crap but you i cant replace you i want always? you shouldnt need the motivation of another lover to get you to do what you know that will ensure us forever. you should just do it because it is what is best what you want what it takes what makes me happy... why do you have to be so damn complicated? why? i can reflect on the ex but damn no point. the ex seems to be happy living with their 20 but damn i anit even an 80 i am the whole 100 package. treat me like it. respect me as it. love just because of it. dont take it for granted or beat yourself up for messing it up. i am here. i am now. just embrace me love me and leave the other shit to the side. all i wanted tonight was to enjoy our date enjoy our night. not fight...not fight especially over plugging in a dvd player. never even getting to the movie... so the question is what are we really fighting about?

so much for dvd date night

Like Pluto, My Heart

Only you can make me feel like I'm suffocating no matter how strong my day was how exciting n filled you bring me to my knees in tears. I use to think it was because you were who God fated for me and that was because I couldn't be without you. Now I just don't understand. I'm doing what God has commanded of me *yet* you are the one with the picture perfect family. And it hurts. I can't be mad at you although it. Hurts me oh so much knowing you just ...never understood how I loved you nor why I love you so much. Instead you kept searching for understanding for reasoning never remembering what I told you in the begining...if I wanted what money bought id be wearing a rock now. But what you provded what I wanted can't be bought...simply stated that's why you were the one.
So you see, you were wrong. My heart is the farthest from being like Pluto. The blood pumps warm.

rough one

sometimes i wish i knew how to cry with all the pain i feel inside like why the eff do they say goodbye like notone can tell im real and want them by my sidem frustrated understatement pain yep again knowing he gone marry h3r again im so tired of the one who promises me to watch em promise someone else like what they saidhow i felt doesnt mattermatter
it is frustrating to be in this much pain again to have someone cal me everyname under the sun not thinkin u once thought i was the one

i didnt realize it was me

i was cleaning the house. starting with the kichen. so hot in the house i didnt even realize how bad i was sweating. then i started to wipe my face and realized i wasnt totally sweating but crying too.  i was listening to kelly prices he proposed and it brought me to tears.  he loved me.  i thought.  i just knew we were going to get married. because he said so.  he proposed. and less than a year later he is with someone else. seeing him today took all of me not cry.  he just sang out loud as if he didnt have a care in the world.  i just cried on the inside.  i couldnt believe nor did i realize when we got to where we are now. when love use to be so so damn strong. when did the love stop?  when did the holding stop? when did the emotions...stop?  i dont even know when the tears started so i cant possibly know when they will stop.  im hurting so so much hurting going on. wondering how could i have loved again the wrong man and thought again he loved me too.  i always fall for those who i feel need me.  i be thinking if i give him what he need then of course he is going to give me what i need.  right? temporarily, he does too.  temporarily. i wish i was with somoene who saw me as a blessing to them.  who loved me for who i was and really relaly loves me for who i am.  is that too much to ask?

not singing any more

my music beat died.  it is being shared with someone else. i cant pretend none of this doesnt hurt like hell.  i mean at first i was learning how to support him when he was down but now im learning how to walk when he has fallen in love again.  i really somehow thought we would last forever like for real get through the hard and ugly then make the most of our lives living closely.  im not singing anymore just floating. 

it hurts just the same as i try to figure out what is next for me.

talking to Gizmo

man thinking of all the folk i was feeling and why nothing ever happened from those.  sigh...why am i always the one saying good bye?
where are all the hellos?

Pretending that It doesnt Hurt- Again

I cant help but say how much it hurt.  Again. I have to watch my heart break again.  The one I love leave again.  The one i trusted with my heart - gone - again with someone else again. its me again.  it hurts again. again i have to be the bigger person and pretend like all the pain that comes with all the investments all the time all ive gone through for nothing for what?

again i have to cry mysefl to sleep knowing there isnt a person who cares enough to comfort me. again.  i have to put on the happy face even when my tears are like volcanic tears. volcanic tears so strong man!  thats how much i feel happens with each the pain i feel

that i know its you

so many thoughts come to my mind. im excited wondering if all these feelings are real or just a girl caught up in time.  i want to be near you i want to thank you i want to laugh with you i want ...you but i dont know if tis the emotionsof the moment or if its real what i feel only time will tell where do we go from here