Closed Chapter

Another closed.  I feel the usual pains and sadness but peace had begun to kick in. It's over, again.  Not my favorite cup of tea but a necessity for more life for me.  I've been here before but never here not like before.  

We talked we argued we talked.  We laughed.  We were us.  It's what I needed. It's what I wanted. It was us. I was blessed to look in his eyes and not feel hurt, anger or upset.  I was able to see me letting him go. What changed? Not lying. Not holding back.  Not doing all those things that I did.  I was able to still long for him.

Difference was accepting the longing for me isn't the same.  The longing for me isn't complete.  The longing isn't on the same levels of understanding that we both need.  I wanted to give him my love my understanding my all my fulfillment in compliance and need.  I wanted to give him all of me.  He wanted those things but not the give but only received.  Give me a hug, give me a kiss. Make love all day and night then let's dismiss.   Your time, your resources all made his mind click but not giving me what all he had to give.  Say time was easy.  He gave me that.   Love that too but not the all it took to let us be true. 

Chapter closed. 

I can't look at next because I have to adjust to this end.  No mores but wait  he wants us to be friends.   Can I? He is asking me as its another need of his.  While I can't  imagine all it will take for me to smile through this end.

Chapter closed. Let it go.  Sometimes that means the friendship answer is no.

smile

 Smile at the very thought of you.  Your smile lights up my room, my heart while the thought of the reality makes me want to hang my head and cry.  I dont miss your love making because it was the love being around you that made me fall for you. I miss the laughter andnthings you shared between us two.  I sit and remember all that transpired my body pulsates.  Gosh I miss the late nights and early mornings. Butnmore and more i just miss you. And knowing you looked forward to seeing me too.  Now its just space.

Day Over

I got through today without him almost.  He woke me up with a laugh and put me to bed with a smile.  He wanted to be sure I was thinking about him still.  It doesn't make me sad to know that more every thing else. How can I hold up my head how can I open my heart again  what about my smile and all that we shared?  So tired of saying goodbye and watching them say hellos and I dos!

That's how I feel tonight.
Tired

The Needs of the Heart

I'm thinking I am making better choices now.  Not sure though.  If im correct, he is currently getting  marriage counseling.  It's fine since that's where he wants to be.  I'm pretty logical in thinking that he is sure of his feelings.  I am sure of mine too.  I'm sure they exist. I'm sure they are strong and I'm sure I've opened up just enough to be hurt something awful.   I on the really know what it is like to have someone want to  marry me the same time as I him.  I've never experienced that.  There has been me being ashamed of him  there has been me not respecting him.  There has been me not acknowledging what it was.  There has been me sleeping my way through my feelings.  I am in awe of all the ways I've mistreated myself and broke my own hearts. I never needed someone else as I've been working to do it all Alone.  This brings me to where I am now.  Listening to him in the phone... with my heart.  My heart knows he is negotiating for her affection, her trust, her attention her love.  Then there is me.  I'm wanting the same but from him.  I can't call it anything but what it is.  Not exactly love.  Not jealous more of a loving I can't seem to mask.  Makes me wonder how why and when it will be me too.  Not the second half of the game but the 1 and only quarter of the game?  Curled up on my couch I imagine to someone who loves me, I must look beautiful.   But to the one who doesn't I just look like the furniture.   Blended.  I understand love and the things one does for it.  I can see the whys and the what'd too.   Why he stares why she smiles how they are pleased with just being near one another or even the peace sleeping that comes with knowing he loves me she loves me is dreaming about me.  We didn't make love. We barely had sex.  Instead we sharedspace,  it would be better if I remember more but I dont.  Remember much more.  Instead I am back where it all began. ., the reality of all the we are not being drilled into my head as the wrinkles edge my heart in such a away I can't help but seek the iron made for m.  I have dated younger. Older. I have dated in the middle. The conclusion that is its the same regardless of age.  The answers are the same the roles repeat and the results are the same, ..I am alone.  Not one to protect my feelings protect my heart protect me. Security.   Love. Appreciate Conversation Respect

Prisoner of Myself

The walls are made of fear down to the core.  The windows allow me to see what only was before.  I See The Floor Is Built On Survival Strands And The Exit Sign Is  the only thing I understand. I let the door made of possibilities swing open while incredible pains of reality swing back in. Reality is the gate keeper is ne.  The tears I cry for no one to see.  The pain I feel draws circles of insecurity, when the mirror only asks for the vision of peace. 

I think I am in love with conflict and destruction as the passion released only focus in this direction.  I  can't say I can understand the way I do it nor will I expect approval while I go through it just knowing it's the truth.  Last night was another reminder that opens g up isn't really my problem it's refusing the stranger.

I love him. I want him. The desire is consuming me.  His eyes on me is all I dream in.  His smile is beautiful even his hair.  His laugh is like a drug I want to inhale.  Our conversations are smooth like the melody of the best song flowing freely on its on.  You are my first thought you are my last memory it's more than it is when I honestly see. 

Was that a twinkle? Yes it was.  The door reveals it was never us.  I love you I want you is my open plea when it is reinforced you never want ed me.  The way I look the way I am are all things you see and don't want again.  I'm too numb to hurt.

I did it again I did it to men.  It's like a brand a wall built by me 

Like A Fiddle

Truth is, no one plays mm e more than I do myself.  I fell again. With the perfect friend .  I let h I m in as he pleaded to be.  I smiled I lived I loved I let go believing that for once it was my time.   All mine from the trips  to the late nights and early mornings it was great.   But now it's but now back to reality it's me.  Just. 

Content I had become then out of the blue it hit me raw.  Again I am back to a never ending brawl.  I would be lying if I didn't tell you how tired of all this I am.  Asking questions to get silent replies on inadequacy of the partners who seek me.  No puzzle,  no pieces, glass is crystal clear yet no one really can see.

Insanity to repeat and expect different.   The fiddler has done it again.

We Can't Play Friends.

6pm

And I wish I were asleep.  Then I could down out the thoughts of deep disappointment.  Not in you as you are doing what I've allowed and told your was okay. But by my actions my weakness that has pushed me you this point too this day.  I am not angry at you or any closer to peace for me either...instead I am p i ssed that I am here again.  Giving in Love, where it's not mutual.  Where there us love but no but the same at all.  My self I would give if only you asked but damn it seems impossible to have love like that. 

6pm and I wish I were eating. Then I could have something to fill this void deep in.  My emotions betray me more then my body alone...as I feel all this making me not strong.  Damn...I just love you.