The Needs of the Heart

I'm thinking I am making better choices now.  Not sure though.  If im correct, he is currently getting  marriage counseling.  It's fine since that's where he wants to be.  I'm pretty logical in thinking that he is sure of his feelings.  I am sure of mine too.  I'm sure they exist. I'm sure they are strong and I'm sure I've opened up just enough to be hurt something awful.   I on the really know what it is like to have someone want to  marry me the same time as I him.  I've never experienced that.  There has been me being ashamed of him  there has been me not respecting him.  There has been me not acknowledging what it was.  There has been me sleeping my way through my feelings.  I am in awe of all the ways I've mistreated myself and broke my own hearts. I never needed someone else as I've been working to do it all Alone.  This brings me to where I am now.  Listening to him in the phone... with my heart.  My heart knows he is negotiating for her affection, her trust, her attention her love.  Then there is me.  I'm wanting the same but from him.  I can't call it anything but what it is.  Not exactly love.  Not jealous more of a loving I can't seem to mask.  Makes me wonder how why and when it will be me too.  Not the second half of the game but the 1 and only quarter of the game?  Curled up on my couch I imagine to someone who loves me, I must look beautiful.   But to the one who doesn't I just look like the furniture.   Blended.  I understand love and the things one does for it.  I can see the whys and the what'd too.   Why he stares why she smiles how they are pleased with just being near one another or even the peace sleeping that comes with knowing he loves me she loves me is dreaming about me.  We didn't make love. We barely had sex.  Instead we sharedspace,  it would be better if I remember more but I dont.  Remember much more.  Instead I am back where it all began. ., the reality of all the we are not being drilled into my head as the wrinkles edge my heart in such a away I can't help but seek the iron made for m.  I have dated younger. Older. I have dated in the middle. The conclusion that is its the same regardless of age.  The answers are the same the roles repeat and the results are the same, ..I am alone.  Not one to protect my feelings protect my heart protect me. Security.   Love. Appreciate Conversation Respect