I got through today without him almost. He woke me up with a laugh and put me to bed with a smile. He wanted to be sure I was thinking about him still. It doesn't make me sad to know that more every thing else. How can I hold up my head how can I open my heart again what about my smile and all that we shared? So tired of saying goodbye and watching them say hellos and I dos!
That's how I feel tonight.
Tired
I'm thinking I am making better choices now. Not sure though. If im correct, he is currently getting marriage counseling. It's fine since that's where he wants to be. I'm pretty logical in thinking that he is sure of his feelings. I am sure of mine too. I'm sure they exist. I'm sure they are strong and I'm sure I've opened up just enough to be hurt something awful. I on the really know what it is like to have someone want to marry me the same time as I him. I've never experienced that. There has been me being ashamed of him there has been me not respecting him. There has been me not acknowledging what it was. There has been me sleeping my way through my feelings. I am in awe of all the ways I've mistreated myself and broke my own hearts. I never needed someone else as I've been working to do it all Alone. This brings me to where I am now. Listening to him in the phone... with my heart. My heart knows he is negotiating for her affection, her trust, her attention her love. Then there is me. I'm wanting the same but from him. I can't call it anything but what it is. Not exactly love. Not jealous more of a loving I can't seem to mask. Makes me wonder how why and when it will be me too. Not the second half of the game but the 1 and only quarter of the game? Curled up on my couch I imagine to someone who loves me, I must look beautiful. But to the one who doesn't I just look like the furniture. Blended. I understand love and the things one does for it. I can see the whys and the what'd too. Why he stares why she smiles how they are pleased with just being near one another or even the peace sleeping that comes with knowing he loves me she loves me is dreaming about me. We didn't make love. We barely had sex. Instead we sharedspace, it would be better if I remember more but I dont. Remember much more. Instead I am back where it all began. ., the reality of all the we are not being drilled into my head as the wrinkles edge my heart in such a away I can't help but seek the iron made for m. I have dated younger. Older. I have dated in the middle. The conclusion that is its the same regardless of age. The answers are the same the roles repeat and the results are the same, ..I am alone. Not one to protect my feelings protect my heart protect me. Security. Love. Appreciate Conversation Respect
The walls are made of fear down to the core. The windows allow me to see what only was before. I See The Floor Is Built On Survival Strands And The Exit Sign Is the only thing I understand. I let the door made of possibilities swing open while incredible pains of reality swing back in. Reality is the gate keeper is ne. The tears I cry for no one to see. The pain I feel draws circles of insecurity, when the mirror only asks for the vision of peace.
I think I am in love with conflict and destruction as the passion released only focus in this direction. I can't say I can understand the way I do it nor will I expect approval while I go through it just knowing it's the truth. Last night was another reminder that opens g up isn't really my problem it's refusing the stranger.
I love him. I want him. The desire is consuming me. His eyes on me is all I dream in. His smile is beautiful even his hair. His laugh is like a drug I want to inhale. Our conversations are smooth like the melody of the best song flowing freely on its on. You are my first thought you are my last memory it's more than it is when I honestly see.
Was that a twinkle? Yes it was. The door reveals it was never us. I love you I want you is my open plea when it is reinforced you never want ed me. The way I look the way I am are all things you see and don't want again. I'm too numb to hurt.
I did it again I did it to men. It's like a brand a wall built by me
