i didnt realize it was me

i was cleaning the house. starting with the kichen. so hot in the house i didnt even realize how bad i was sweating. then i started to wipe my face and realized i wasnt totally sweating but crying too.  i was listening to kelly prices he proposed and it brought me to tears.  he loved me.  i thought.  i just knew we were going to get married. because he said so.  he proposed. and less than a year later he is with someone else. seeing him today took all of me not cry.  he just sang out loud as if he didnt have a care in the world.  i just cried on the inside.  i couldnt believe nor did i realize when we got to where we are now. when love use to be so so damn strong. when did the love stop?  when did the holding stop? when did the emotions...stop?  i dont even know when the tears started so i cant possibly know when they will stop.  im hurting so so much hurting going on. wondering how could i have loved again the wrong man and thought again he loved me too.  i always fall for those who i feel need me.  i be thinking if i give him what he need then of course he is going to give me what i need.  right? temporarily, he does too.  temporarily. i wish i was with somoene who saw me as a blessing to them.  who loved me for who i was and really relaly loves me for who i am.  is that too much to ask?

not singing any more

my music beat died.  it is being shared with someone else. i cant pretend none of this doesnt hurt like hell.  i mean at first i was learning how to support him when he was down but now im learning how to walk when he has fallen in love again.  i really somehow thought we would last forever like for real get through the hard and ugly then make the most of our lives living closely.  im not singing anymore just floating. 

it hurts just the same as i try to figure out what is next for me.

talking to Gizmo

man thinking of all the folk i was feeling and why nothing ever happened from those.  sigh...why am i always the one saying good bye?
where are all the hellos?

Pretending that It doesnt Hurt- Again

I cant help but say how much it hurt.  Again. I have to watch my heart break again.  The one I love leave again.  The one i trusted with my heart - gone - again with someone else again. its me again.  it hurts again. again i have to be the bigger person and pretend like all the pain that comes with all the investments all the time all ive gone through for nothing for what?

again i have to cry mysefl to sleep knowing there isnt a person who cares enough to comfort me. again.  i have to put on the happy face even when my tears are like volcanic tears. volcanic tears so strong man!  thats how much i feel happens with each the pain i feel