Dead Already

The matter of pain is real.  You like to think it is. Not because of how deep  it feels. Truth is you would be dead already if it did not.
I feel

So I am not

But

I do

Feel
Dead
Already

Mirror

In the dot.of.the hour faith reminds you god.never left.
In.the cry of.the.night it.isnt fear.that breaks my heart
Its all the stuff in between the twilight of this moment constant disappointment how strong must one be?

The mirror and I were looking at one another.  It was the strangest thing.  We spent time trying  to figure out which of us needed  to break.

The images appeared to be the same.  But they were not.  The smile was always up and always upside down. The face was always bright but always dark.  The eyes were always dancing but always frozen.  The mind was focused but it was all over the place.  The ears  were listening  but not hearing  a word.  The hair was neat and combed but messy in every direction.  The hands were neatly by the side folded in place but the hands were in the air waving in many directions. 

I blink.  How can it all be together and be in so many pieces  the same? We came to the conclusion that we were both shattered and broken.  Repair was the friend of the enemy and we needed to make  ammends.

Him tie Her tie Pain Tie Hurt tie Sadness tie distraught  tie not enough tie not able tie unsure tie lack of decisions  tie indecision tie We needed to make ammends

I wiped the mirror.  It is drying of streaks and almost clean.

About Last Night

It was fun.  I got to laugh and remember what it was like to not care much about what. I could hear unspoken cries though.  Maybe it was from the movie or maybe possible from my own Heart.

I miss Him.  But the list keeps growing...

I'm not sorry.  But I am feeling something new.

Remember Me

Father, I know I can talk to you about anything  ...everything.  I am watching the hopes and dreams of everyone  around me achieve their  goals Lord.  I do not know where you want me Father.  Can you guide me? Can you remember me in all these blessings you are handing out?  I am not coveting Lord. I know what is my neighbors is my Neighbors. Lord, I just want to take care of my own children...have my own home, excellent job that pays more than I can spend.  Debts in order.  And Father, love for me the way you Love your church.  Remember  me Lord.  Please.  I am crying out to you for It is you alone who can and will and do. I have gotten it wrong many times before Lord.  Please remember  me. I am your child. I want to please you. Serve you and be  of service  to your kingdom.   Guide me Lord.  Rememeber  me Lord.  Please..
In Jesus name
Amen