I dont oooo back. I choose and I stand by my choices but my soul cries out for someone to help me make the choices...make it easier for me. More than a what I want but possibly more of the needs but with God's blessings.
Love finds you. You dont find it.
Eyes wide shut.
Me...
I live in the world of the Unicorn. My heart is still surprised by the evil things people do. I am still frustrated by the undying hope I have for a fairytale to be my real life experience. The impossible Is possible in my heart.
Maybe just maybe my unbelief will turn into a reality as I travel the rainbow with my wish maker burning bright.
I imagine my mother smiling down on me. I can hear her crying out for my soul to rest the angry face.
Did she question as much as I do
"You are free. We are not together anymore."
Conclusion
Empty freedom when you realize how deep the chain is how strong the hold how sad the reins are how just ....how....
Wait
How?
Would be 11 years but instead we will end at ten. No more illusion to the delusions.
I can't breathe.
The matter of pain is real. You like to think it is. Not because of how deep it feels. Truth is you would be dead already if it did not.
I feel
So I am not
But
I do
Feel
Dead
Already
In the dot.of.the hour faith reminds you god.never left.
In.the cry of.the.night it.isnt fear.that breaks my heart
Its all the stuff in between the twilight of this moment constant disappointment how strong must one be?
The mirror and I were looking at one another. It was the strangest thing. We spent time trying to figure out which of us needed to break.
The images appeared to be the same. But they were not. The smile was always up and always upside down. The face was always bright but always dark. The eyes were always dancing but always frozen. The mind was focused but it was all over the place. The ears were listening but not hearing a word. The hair was neat and combed but messy in every direction. The hands were neatly by the side folded in place but the hands were in the air waving in many directions.
I blink. How can it all be together and be in so many pieces the same? We came to the conclusion that we were both shattered and broken. Repair was the friend of the enemy and we needed to make ammends.
Him tie Her tie Pain Tie Hurt tie Sadness tie distraught tie not enough tie not able tie unsure tie lack of decisions tie indecision tie We needed to make ammends
I wiped the mirror. It is drying of streaks and almost clean.
It was fun. I got to laugh and remember what it was like to not care much about what. I could hear unspoken cries though. Maybe it was from the movie or maybe possible from my own Heart.
I miss Him. But the list keeps growing...
I'm not sorry. But I am feeling something new.
Father, I know I can talk to you about anything ...everything. I am watching the hopes and dreams of everyone around me achieve their goals Lord. I do not know where you want me Father. Can you guide me? Can you remember me in all these blessings you are handing out? I am not coveting Lord. I know what is my neighbors is my Neighbors. Lord, I just want to take care of my own children...have my own home, excellent job that pays more than I can spend. Debts in order. And Father, love for me the way you Love your church. Remember me Lord. Please. I am crying out to you for It is you alone who can and will and do. I have gotten it wrong many times before Lord. Please remember me. I am your child. I want to please you. Serve you and be of service to your kingdom. Guide me Lord. Rememeber me Lord. Please..
In Jesus name
Amen
